Friday, November 30, 2007

Posie's Birth

It has taken me a long time to get to this point -- to the place where I felt like I wanted to make a sentimental montage of Posie's birth. I know it makes me sound like a Whiny McWhinerton to complain -- heck, I had an unassisted home waterbirth, right? The truth is, her birth shook me and my belief in my body and my belief in birth. I got a call today from a former student and doula client who decided with her third child to be induced. She then decided on an epidural before she was even dilating. She happily told me she played cards the rest of her labor. Her husband was incredulous and said, "You mean it could have been this good the other times too?" My first thought was, "How could you? How could you want to birth all numb and happy like that?" and on its heels was "Shut up, you freakin' hypocrite." Because my thoughts are that if I had a labor like Posie's again, I would get an epidural. I would not put myself through it. It has taken me these 8.5 months to get to the point where I can even say I would attempt another homebirth. Finally, God has applied the balm of amnesia and I'm starting to consider the idea that if I had another baby, I would still do it at home.

I know that her birth, and the subsequent journey I needed to take afterwards, have made me a better midwife. It gave me such renewed perspective, and a deep, humble, appreciation for the pain some women experience in birth. Sure, for most women, it's just not that bad. But for this birth, for me, it was. It was enough to cause a postpartum depression that took medication to pull me out. It was enough to cause me to consider skipping the homebirth altogether next time and get to play cards through my labor. But now, I know I wouldn't want that. I wouldn't want to not FEEL the baby coming through my body. To be so in tune with her, to feel every inch of her as she slid peacefully out. That was worth the pain. If I numbed the pain of the labor, I would miss the BIRTH. And isn't that what it's about?

Without further ado:

18 comments:

Lizzie said...

This brought tears to my eyes. Thanks for sharing!

Kim said...

Beautiful! My eyes got all misty =)

Julie said...

You did it! Thanks for sharing your beautiful birth. Loved to see your children's involvement in the birth.

Emily said...

oh wow, that was awesome. You're so amazing for persevering through her labor and birth. I know when I was in the pit saying "I hate this part, I don't want to do it" etc, your words "I know--I really know--you can do this" were very encouraging and reassuring for me, knowing how hard Posie's birth was for you.

And how cool to see Posie being born--wow! What a moment. Thanks so much for sharing.

(((hugs)))

Nicole D said...

Hi momma. And that is what it is all about isn't it? When you take away all of the humbling power, the bliss of baby, the beauty of the strength of our bodies - everything that makes it APPEALING.. the RAW PAIN of birth. The fact that it is OUR PAIN, this is OUR BIRTH JOURNEY, THAT is what it is about.

Our pain cannot be bigger than us, because it IS us.. but it BECOMES us. For some of us out there, some births envelope us in more than we intend for it to. Taking us to a primal, base, and raw place that no one can prepare you for. But that place brings us back changed - and never for the worse once we have walked through that valley triumphant.

I applaud you. And I cried... :o)

Amie said...

yeah, you rock! :)

Dollymama said...

That is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing it! The hard experiences that force us to learn new truth are ones that make us better.

Kristina said...

Your daughter applying pressure to your coccyx was just so amazing. What a beautiful birth - thanks for sharing it.

* leaving to mop up my tears now *

mm said...

Tears, so many tears.
Thank you for sharing...
The "I did it" was the last straw for me... the sobs came. I remember saying that over and over again... with my first 'birth'... a hbac.

mamasmotives said...

Beautiful, simply beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing your birth.

Tiffany said...

I loved it and cried my eyes out......thanks so much for sharing!!!! :)

harmony said...

I don't normally watch birth videos, but I am glad I took the time to watch yours...thank you for sharing.

CNH said...

Yep, I've been there. An unassisted birth that though perfect for her, rammed my head right into a wall. I'm expecting again, and chose to have a MW present this time. Part of it is gut intuition and part of it is that some of my anxiety could have been relieved by having someone else to bounce what was happening off of.

Ah well, suffice it to say I completely understand!

Jawndoejah said...

I had a very painful birth with my sixth (just September this year). She was OP. I had her in the hospital, and they fought me doing what was natural. Though I'm not overly depressed, I spent weeks there. I now still am anxious and cannot look at the first photos at all. I get a feeling of anger and dread when I look at them. I was wounded by the staff, and suprised by how hard it was since all my other births were much easier physically. I was also scared they'd try to give me a c-section, scared I'd consent for no reason but to get it over with. I felt so weak.

Dawn

Housefairy said...

Congratulations!!!! Thank you so much for sharing this with all of us. You did wonderfully. But you know that :)

Leigh said...

Stunning, empowering video. Wow, to see your family witness the primal, raw, bold, beautiful power of birth was so touching. I kept thinking "I want it to be thay way with my girls..." and "I only want two more? Nahhhh, how about 4 more?". LOL.
Yes, you did it. All of it. And your magical little girl helped.
You faced the shadows and the light.
How beautiful of you to share this with us.
Also made me think how I should get on to my montage too.
xoxo

Agatha said...

Fabulous, thank you so much for sharing that. It really moved me (& I am not moved v much by births) & gave me a reminder of why i'm doing what i'm doing. x

Carolyn McIntosh said...

Thank you for sharing this video and being so honest about how this birth experience affected you. it is important that we are realistic and acknowledge that it is not a bed of roses but hard and sometimes exhausting work. We can have such high expectations of ourselves but when birthing we have to let all of that go. I have posted a link to this entry in my blog http://mymidiblog.blogspot.com/ . Thank you once again. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from the sunny southern hemisphere.