It just doesn't feel real that I'm pregnant sometimes. Sure I do my hypnobabies stuff every day. I feel the baby move. I have a big belly (although markedly smaller than my last several pregnancies). I'm exceedingly sleepy and emotional. BUT, when I think about actually having a baby, I'm having a hard time picturing her (him?).
Maybe because it's been so long? I told PreacherMan the other day that this will be like starting all over again. I don't remember what to DO with a baby. LOL. I'm sure it will be just like falling off a bike.
Maybe because we can't settle on a girl's name? I know I posted previously that it would be Josephine, but I just keep thinking that's not "the name". It has a nice sound. It has an appropriate meaning, but it's just not ZINGING me like the other girls' names when we thought of those. We've always had a hard time agreeing on girls' names, but it's never gone this long in a pregnancy without a girl's name.
We're trying to figure out what baby stuff we're really going to need this time. It's the seventh baby. It's been four years. No one is going to give me a baby shower (it would only encourage me with my wanton fertility I'm sure) and I have no baby stuff that's not a wreck.
Do I really need a baby swing? Or can I get by with 6 pairs of arms to hold the baby and a sling? Do I need a little bouncy seat or a cradle? Or see previous. I do need somewhere to keep the baby away from the dog and give him or her some personal space when sleeping. My kids love holding babies, but sleeping babies get heavy, and bigger kids get impatient and want to go play. I have a 10 year old pack & play, a new diaper bag and one outfit for the birth day. That's it.
PreacherMan is holding off and holding off buying anything because of Visa bills. I'm looking at diapers (my cloth diapers have been through 3 kids and we need some new ones). But he's saying "don't spend, don't spend". He wants a "list" of what I want/need for the baby along with the pricing. This means, in PreacherMan speak, "tell me what you want and I'll find a reason you don't need it or a bizarrely frugal alternative." This means, he wants an excel spreadsheet with weighted values showing which things are most important. It means that the high chair that has been sitting on the back porch gathering mildew for three years can "just be cleaned right up".
It would be great to even have a blessingway. You know, all the midwives and birthy people gathering together, giving me a bead bracelet to wear in labor, giving me their blessings, telling great stories.
Maybe it's the total lack of preparation for the baby that makes it feel "not real". I could have the baby as soon as 6 weeks, or as long as 9 from now. I should be starting to wash baby clothes, clean the house, gather birthing supplies, etc. And this is when I would normally do that.
I don't think he understands the stress that I feel by not being able to get ready when I feel I should. He keeps saying "we need to wait for our tax return so we can pay the credit cards before we buy more stuff. We don't even have a baby yet to put in a swing." No, but we have an anxious mama that would like to start preparing her nest....