I'm now almost 34 weeks pregnant. (34 weeks today if you go by my doctor's dates).
Initially, when I got pregnant, I was fairly certain that I was going to end up getting an epidural. At 27 weeks I had a total meltdown and freaked out about having to go through labor again and how traumatic Posie's labor was for me. I didn't feel Preacherman was really behind me and the potential for me needing medication for this birth. When he saw how terrified I was, I think he knew what had to happen. I do believe he's fully supportive now.
I finally started doing Hypnobabies again even though I had to force myself due to feeling like it "didn't work" for me at all last time. I spent hours trying to analyze why things went the way they did, why there was so much pain, why it took so long. I spent hours talking with midwife friends and with Preacherman.
Finally, I have come to a few conclusions. First, there were too many people at my birth. I should have sent everyone home when my dear friend suggested it. I didn't feel like I had that option, I didn't want to offend anyone. This time, I've been very upfront with everyone -- no extra people at the birth. My family and my midwife, that's it. Next, there was too much emotional baggage between Faerylady and I for me to feel comfortable and safe birthing with her. I hired a different midwife this time and she knows my whole story and my fears for this birth. She's extremely supportive and willing to do what it takes, even if that means going to the hospital. The last thing is, I am going to give over any preconceived ideas of what this labor has to be. I'm not counting on a healing birth (although that would be great). It will be what it is and at the end I'll have my precious boy.
Now, all that said, I AM trying to be positive. The Hypnobabies program has been so valuable in bringing me to a more peaceful place and eliminating some fear. I still struggle with the affirmations, and with visualizing my birth. So many of the other women doing Hypnobabies testify that their births went exactly as they visualized them. I went into Posie's birth 100% confident that mine would too. As you know, it went nothing like what I visualized and I was sorely disappointed.
As I tell myself, "My easy, comfortable birthing time will be 5 hours or less." My brain instantly rebels and says, "yeah, right. Snort." I still have the idea that my body was broken by the c-section -- I was GOOD at having babies before the c-section. But how much of that was emotional dystocia and how much was an actual physical cause? Maybe this birth will help find that out.
My wishes for this birth? Privacy -- only my family around me until the very end and then my midwife. Pain -- to be bearable and not in my butt, thankyouverymuch. Time -- less than 8 hours would be fab. And of course, to happen at home.
So, maybe all you out there in the blogosphere could add me to your prayer and positive thoughts lists and be thinking of me as I prepare for our newest addition.