Monday, February 22, 2010

Getting Close

I'm now almost 34 weeks pregnant. (34 weeks today if you go by my doctor's dates).

Initially, when I got pregnant, I was fairly certain that I was going to end up getting an epidural. At 27 weeks I had a total meltdown and freaked out about having to go through labor again and how traumatic Posie's labor was for me. I didn't feel Preacherman was really behind me and the potential for me needing medication for this birth. When he saw how terrified I was, I think he knew what had to happen. I do believe he's fully supportive now.

I finally started doing Hypnobabies again even though I had to force myself due to feeling like it "didn't work" for me at all last time. I spent hours trying to analyze why things went the way they did, why there was so much pain, why it took so long. I spent hours talking with midwife friends and with Preacherman.

Finally, I have come to a few conclusions. First, there were too many people at my birth. I should have sent everyone home when my dear friend suggested it. I didn't feel like I had that option, I didn't want to offend anyone. This time, I've been very upfront with everyone -- no extra people at the birth. My family and my midwife, that's it. Next, there was too much emotional baggage between Faerylady and I for me to feel comfortable and safe birthing with her. I hired a different midwife this time and she knows my whole story and my fears for this birth. She's extremely supportive and willing to do what it takes, even if that means going to the hospital. The last thing is, I am going to give over any preconceived ideas of what this labor has to be. I'm not counting on a healing birth (although that would be great). It will be what it is and at the end I'll have my precious boy.

Now, all that said, I AM trying to be positive. The Hypnobabies program has been so valuable in bringing me to a more peaceful place and eliminating some fear. I still struggle with the affirmations, and with visualizing my birth. So many of the other women doing Hypnobabies testify that their births went exactly as they visualized them. I went into Posie's birth 100% confident that mine would too. As you know, it went nothing like what I visualized and I was sorely disappointed.

As I tell myself, "My easy, comfortable birthing time will be 5 hours or less." My brain instantly rebels and says, "yeah, right. Snort." I still have the idea that my body was broken by the c-section -- I was GOOD at having babies before the c-section. But how much of that was emotional dystocia and how much was an actual physical cause? Maybe this birth will help find that out.

My wishes for this birth? Privacy -- only my family around me until the very end and then my midwife. Pain -- to be bearable and not in my butt, thankyouverymuch. Time -- less than 8 hours would be fab. And of course, to happen at home.

So, maybe all you out there in the blogosphere could add me to your prayer and positive thoughts lists and be thinking of me as I prepare for our newest addition.

10 comments:

Lyndsey said...

I wish you a fabulous birth and a healthy baby!

My last client went into her second birth TERRIFIED by her first birth. I had worked with her for months to try and help heal the emotions surrounding that birth, but my client never really took it in. When her labor started much the same as her first birth, she practically ASSUMED she would end up with a 2nd c-section. After much support, she hung in there and continued to labor at home surrounded by her family. When I received the next phone call from her, I hardly made it to the hospital in time to watch her effortlessly push out her baby girl! It was a wonderful birth and has given her such a fantastic appreciation and respect for her body! I wish you the same!

Mrs. Spit said...

Wishing you a healthy mum and babe, with the best experience getting there.

Lynn said...

I am also around 34 weeks pregnant. I have had one daughter naturally at a hospital. When I was pregnant with my daughter, I wrote out a positive affirmation that I said every single time I walked by it. I put it on the counter because it was in the middle of the house and I had to make meals some time during the day ;) It helped A LOT! From my positive affirmation, I only had as much pain as I could handle, it went quick, and natural. Those were the key points in what I had written.
I also wrote one this time. We are having a homebirth, and Im a bit anxious, but I keep saying my positive affirmation because it helps to keep putting the good in to take over the bad. This one is more of a prayer and a thank you to God for making my body capable of birthing this baby.
The last sentence you have is a type of positive affirmation, maybe saying that every time you see it, well help your head stop telling you "yeah right! In your dreams"
I'll keep you in my prayers and I hope that the fear goes away....
2Timothy 1:7~ For God did not give us a Spirit of fear but of power and love and self-control.

Sheridan said...

Many prayers and positive thoughts going out to you! Remember, this is a new baby and a new birth.
Hugs!

Emily said...

Yes yes yes! I'm am so there!! That was totally me with Ryan and prepping w/ the HB program. It was hard to be committed when I had Clementine's birth fresh in my mind. But I think it did help me work through some stuff, get connected with my baby, remember how to relax, and I LOVED the "Come out baby" track. I bought that when I was 2wks past w/ him, and I think it is just an awesome combo of all the CDs. Really helped me through that last week, and the day he was born. But can't say I liked the pushing phase track! Wanted to chuck that thing out and fast!

Anyway, just saying I can understand what you're going through, in my own small way. HB is worth it, even if "the perfect birth you've visualized" isn't the result. Maybe just more at peace with it all, committed to the process, and more bonded to your baby.

I pray your birth is great and special in it's own wonderful way. It's crazy how we can learn so much from each one. (((hugs))) Emily

MamaOnABudget said...

I'll definitely be praying for you, too.

Not sure if the other positive stories help, but my first birth was LONG - 17 hours of labor, 3:20 pushing. It was hard - so I thought.

Then came my second. 3 minutes less than 12 hours from first contraction to holding my babe. Fast, painful - I remember telling my husband and my nurse (while waiting for my doctor) that I didn't want an epidural - I wanted a c-section and I wanted it NOW. Both were super supportive, but all I could think was, "This is awful, pushing was worse than labor last time, and 3.5 hours of this will kill me!" But my husband (GOD BLESS HIM), my nurse, my doctor and her student were SO encouraging - reminding me that I'd have to start pushing to finish and lets see how this goes.

And 3 pushes in 9 minutes later - a beautiful little girl was staring back at me =)

Looking back at it, while I know her labor was more painful, I think I made it so by my fears of repeating her brother's birth. If God should bless us with the chance to do it again, it's my prayer that I keep those out of my mind and embrace whatever He throws my way... because I know I don't do it alone. This is my prayer for you, too!

Just Me said...

Privacy has been a big issue for me. I feel I can handle the labor better when it's just my husband and I. I wait as long as possible before I even let the midwife come.

I used scripture to prepare me for the births....posted favorite verses all over my bedroom wall to prepare for the birth and to have there once labor started. My last birth was an unexpected breech delivery. My youngest daughter had written a verse for me that she just learned and liked very much. I hung it on my bedroom wall and God used it to comfort me during those fearful moments.

Chiropractic adjustments during my last 2 pregnancies helped me with the labor and delivery....those births seemed easier then my first 3, where I didn't have adjustments.

Off topic question. Being a midwife what are your thoughts on morning sickness in older moms? I was in my early thirties when I had my 5th child. The morning sickness was the worst I've ever had. Now I'm 36 and would like to have a 6th child but the morning sickness scares me. Do you think age makes it worse and do you have any suggestions on preventing it? I have been trying to take milk thistle on a regular basis as I read it's good for the liver.

mommymichael said...

i'm one of those HB moms who had visualized her births happening a certain way, and by the Grace of God it did end up happening that way.

With baby #3, it seemed as though all hell broke loose. I had a blood clot earlier in my pregnancy, and God pretty much showed me that I have only a perceived control over my life. lol

I had had two previous homebirths and was now looking at a hospital birth. It scared the crud out of me. I practiced my HB constantly, but in the end I prayed that God would take it out of my hands. I had fought the entire pregnancy to controls things and do it all my way. Doing dual care with a homebirth midwife AND high risk doctor so i could keep my options for a home birth open.

So it was taken out of my hands. I needed an induction at 35 weeks for low fluids. My HB did for me exactly what I needed it to, up until a certain point (I was getting too tired after 36 hours on pitocin).
But God blessed me so much through it. The right doctors, the right nursing staff...and with my own choices (within what was safe) regarding the birth... I had a wonderful birthing. Even if it wasn't my "perfect picture".


I love that scripture someone commented. My mother would sing it to me when I was scared of the unknown. Although our biblical version is "For God does not give me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a SOUND MIND."

I pray God gives you peace, and a sound mind.

Allow your HB tools to work for you in the way your needing it. Instead of snorting at what it says... affirm it. Speak it onto yourself. Make a conscious effort to allow the words be a positive thing in your mind.

And when your birthing day comes, I pray that it's everything you're needing it to be.
you can check out my blog for Trillian's birthing story. I caution you, it's long. lol

Psalms66 said...

I'm pregnant again too - and in the same boat almost except that my last birth ended in a cesarean for breech.

Do you find it's harder to birth now that you "know" so much? It was really hard for me to "let go" during my last birth 17 months ago. It will be 2 years between births, almost exactly, and I hope I've learned enough to be able to fully trust the process. (I am a student midwife too.)

Love your blog, can't wait to hear your birth story. Perhaps you've already had your baby!

Blessings to you, and happy BIRTHday when it arrives.

Housefairy said...

Getting excited for you...ands totally understand about fears once the birthing time draws near..thankfully you have someone you can trust and confide in -- your midwife-- and I have a really good feeling about all of this, fwiw

xoxox