Monday, August 24, 2009

The Waiting is the Hardest Part

Still no babies! I have: lady having her 7th baby (she's the ones who had the twins 2 years ago), only had two periods while nursing the twins when she got pregnant, so her dates could be off by a good bit. By LMP she was due on the 9th, but she's also been measuring under, so we'll see. Lady having her 3rd who was due on the 14th. Good dates. Giant baby. Like, probably 11 lbs. Her last baby was 10-4, and came out like a greased pig, so I'm not worried. Then a VBAC lady, 2nd VBAC, 3rd baby. She's been very worried about ending up with another C, she's worried about there being something wrong with the baby. She's 41 weeks today. She's seeing my doc also and will have another NST today.

I have my first prenatal with my OB today.

Here's my plans for this birth: considering that I had what amounted to PTSD and severe postpartum depression after Posie's birth (mostly due to the extreme, unbearable pain and not having anyone I felt comfortable with to call) I have NOT hired Faerylady this time. I've hired someone that I've assisted at two births, but we don't have a real friendship or pre-existing relationship.

I need to turn off my internal midwife for my own pregnancy and birth this time. I need to listen only to my body. I need to NOT CARE about other people's feelings during the birth. Sorry folks. That day is just about me getting a baby out. I will not be having a doula, or inviting ANYONE else to the birth. Just me, Preacherman, my kids (I didn't mind them at all) and my midwife, who I will trust and feel close to. I need to be able to go to "laborland" this time. And I've left myself a parachute. That's where my doc comes in. I can not suffer like I did during Posie's birth. I won't risk the PTSD again. If I have pain like that, if it drags on and on and on, I will go in and get an epidural. Yep, I said it. Me, the homebirth midwife. I'll go get an epidural if I need one.

And as soon as I made that decision, and made sure that everyone (Preacherman and my midwife) would support me in this, I relaxed and was able to breathe a sigh of relief. Maybe I won't need it.... Maybe my body will remember how to birth. But if not, well, I don't have to go through all that again.

I'm not going to resist learning lessons. I know there will be some. But I'm going to try not to obsess about anything. During my last three pregnancies, there was always something I latched on to to obsess about. So far, I'm feeling pretty mellow about it all. I'm not afraid of the labor, it will be what it is. I don't even really care what sex the baby is. I almost think after 5 girls, it'd be weird to have a boy! I love Posie so much, I know I wouldn't mind another girl. Whatever!


Mrs. Spit said...

My midwife said something quite profound when my son was being born - childbirth is to deliver a baby. It's not a self actualizing experience for mum.

I'm glad that you have great plans in place, it's a really good step, and it takes courage to accept where you are, not where you want to be.

Holly said...

I think that shows a lot of wisdom. I've had two easy labors (let's hope for a third one in March), but I tell my doula clients that it's easy to go med-free when your labor is straightforward. I've seen women labor with posterior babies for hours beyond what I know I would tolerate. When that pain crosses into suffering, sometimes choosing the epidural keeps your labor a positive experience. I had a third time mom a year ago who had two four hour labors with her first babies. This one passed the 24 hours mark, 12 hours of which she was stalled at 5cm. I realized when she was crying in anticipation of each contraction that this labor was veering far off the curve of normal. Even though she chose an epidural for this third birth, she claims it was her best birth. Birth humbles me. But let's just hope it's not even an issue this time for you!

Sheridan said...

Good for you for figuring out what YOU need for your birth. :)

Also I agree about waiting. I just posted weird things I think and do while I am on call.

Lyndsey said...

Wow, you sound like you're about to be VERY busy :-)

Five girls! I envy you!