Thursday, October 26, 2006

Miscellany

Let me brag a minute

Last night my kids went to Awana. At Awana, they earn "shares" or Awana dollars that can be spent for prizes in the Awana store at the end of the month. My 13 year old, Atticus, has about 92 shares because my oldest gave him his leftovers from last year. SO last night, at the store, Atticus bought Tinkerbell a PixelChix toy. Nothing for himself. Just a toy he knew his little sister would enjoy.

And Violet spent some of her money buying Tinkerbell a coca-cola bottle magnet with dark liquid inside because Tinkerbell used to have one and it broke.

Days like these I think I might be doing an okay job as a parent.

Fears

It is said that a lawyer who represents himself has a fool for a client. Is the same true for midwives then? I got worried when the baby wasn't moving as much as I thought she should. Normally by this point in my pregnancy, I'm feeling much more distinct movements, movements that are visible externally by other people. But not this time. This time I still wonder, "Was that the baby? Or was that gas?"

So I listened with the fetoscope. At the beginning of listening, I heard the heartrate decel to about 100 bpm then accelerate slowly back up to about 164 where it stayed for about 15 minutes before returning to baseline of 148. I heard this twice. I then listened for a solid 20 minutes and didn't hear it again. I have listened other times and not heard it.

Was I hearing things? Was I just having trouble getting the heartbeat? I really don't think so. I have actually heard this once before a couple weeks ago and thought it was a fluke. Maybe it's nothing. Maybe it's something. Nothing I can do right now will change it, but I may end up having that ultrasound I didn't want.

So, this AM I called FaeryLady to tell her. Her response? Was it, "Well, let's talk about what this could be..." or "Well, it's probably nothing. I'll take a listen next Saturday when I see you." No. Her response was "WHY are YOU listening to this baby? You don't need to be self-diagnosing. Quit listening to this baby. There's nothing they can do about it anyway. If you're worried, go get an ultrasound."

Eep. Well, that wasn't the loving, nurturing response I wanted. And you know what? I'm NOT going to quit listening to this baby. I'm not feeling a ton of movement, I'm not planning and ultrasound, and this is a way that I feel a closeness and bonding with my baby. Being able to listen to her is my way of being with her and reassuring myself she's okay in there.

It is weird being in this dual relationship with FaeryLady. Yes, I'm an apprentice, yes, I am not that far from being an independant midwife, but I am still a mom too. And I have mom fears, and I have mom feelings, and I have mom hormones.

I'm not sure at this point what to do. There are so many weird things in that relationship right now it's hard to sort everything out in my mind.

2 comments:

Louisa said...

Toward the end of my last preg, by baby's movements dropped off markedly, and one day I realized that I hadn't felt him move for more than a couple of days. At least I thought I hadn't. I drove to my doctor's office and asked if a nurse (or anyone, even me) could just grab a fetoscope or a doppler and find heart tones for just for a second to reassure me. They looked at me huffily and told be that "If I was so concerned I should go to the ER". Which I did, and it was a big drama and (of course) once they got me on a monitor and I had a big drink of OJ There he was, quite happy and his movements resumed. What I learned from that experience is that when next I have a baby I'll be listening to him/her whenever I want to. If you have a gut feeling that something might be off then you should act on it. You would do that with a mama if you were working with a client, right?
I know that you mightn't want an US, but if it would put your mind at ease would it be better than worrying?
BTW I think your midwife was/is being a bit out of line with you. Women are so vulnerable to fears when they are pregnant, being a midwife doesn't exempt you from that. You are entitled to your worries, and entitled to having your concerns met with love and nurturing. Regardless of the fact that she is your preceptor, you deserve better treatment from your midwife. I think you should call her on it. You never know, you might help her become a better midwife!
I'm thinking of you :)

Sarahthedoula said...

Hi. I've only commented here once or twice before, but I do read regularly and thought I would comment today.

I think following your intuition is an important part of birth and mothering. If you don't mind me asking you a question I sometimes ask my doula clients and friends: "What would you do if you were not afraid?"

My best friend's midwife loaned them a fetoscope and taught both parents how to use it so they could listen to their baby whenever they wanted to. Dad especially felt very 'connected' as a result of this. If you want to listen to your baby go right ahead as far as I'm concerned - it's your body and your baby!

Trust your intuition on this and keep asking questions until you find an answer you can comfortably live with.