Let me brag a minute
Last night my kids went to Awana. At Awana, they earn "shares" or Awana dollars that can be spent for prizes in the Awana store at the end of the month. My 13 year old, Atticus, has about 92 shares because my oldest gave him his leftovers from last year. SO last night, at the store, Atticus bought Tinkerbell a PixelChix toy. Nothing for himself. Just a toy he knew his little sister would enjoy.
And Violet spent some of her money buying Tinkerbell a coca-cola bottle magnet with dark liquid inside because Tinkerbell used to have one and it broke.
Days like these I think I might be doing an okay job as a parent.
It is said that a lawyer who represents himself has a fool for a client. Is the same true for midwives then? I got worried when the baby wasn't moving as much as I thought she should. Normally by this point in my pregnancy, I'm feeling much more distinct movements, movements that are visible externally by other people. But not this time. This time I still wonder, "Was that the baby? Or was that gas?"
So I listened with the fetoscope. At the beginning of listening, I heard the heartrate decel to about 100 bpm then accelerate slowly back up to about 164 where it stayed for about 15 minutes before returning to baseline of 148. I heard this twice. I then listened for a solid 20 minutes and didn't hear it again. I have listened other times and not heard it.
Was I hearing things? Was I just having trouble getting the heartbeat? I really don't think so. I have actually heard this once before a couple weeks ago and thought it was a fluke. Maybe it's nothing. Maybe it's something. Nothing I can do right now will change it, but I may end up having that ultrasound I didn't want.
So, this AM I called FaeryLady to tell her. Her response? Was it, "Well, let's talk about what this could be..." or "Well, it's probably nothing. I'll take a listen next Saturday when I see you." No. Her response was "WHY are YOU listening to this baby? You don't need to be self-diagnosing. Quit listening to this baby. There's nothing they can do about it anyway. If you're worried, go get an ultrasound."
Eep. Well, that wasn't the loving, nurturing response I wanted. And you know what? I'm NOT going to quit listening to this baby. I'm not feeling a ton of movement, I'm not planning and ultrasound, and this is a way that I feel a closeness and bonding with my baby. Being able to listen to her is my way of being with her and reassuring myself she's okay in there.
It is weird being in this dual relationship with FaeryLady. Yes, I'm an apprentice, yes, I am not that far from being an independant midwife, but I am still a mom too. And I have mom fears, and I have mom feelings, and I have mom hormones.
I'm not sure at this point what to do. There are so many weird things in that relationship right now it's hard to sort everything out in my mind.