Friday, December 18, 2009

If You Can't Say Something Nice....

I swear no one is taught basic manners anymore.

Recently Preacherman was "outed" at work as being an expectant dad. Again. The stream of rude comments has been unbelievable. Of course, there is the marvelously original standby, "Don't you know what causes that?" DUH. Not only do we now what causes it, we like it! And of course, its corollary, "Was this PLANNED?" Are you asking me about my birth control usage? Would you like to know what position we were in when we did it? What other personal details about our marital life can I share with you?

Then there is, "Don't you have a TV?" Sure, we use it so the kids won't hear us when we're doing "what causes that." As if watching TV is so much more noble than being intimate as husband and wife.

Next up, "Is this the last one?"/"When are you gonna STOP?". Hmmmmm. If I get a dumb or ugly one, I guess.

How about this, "Have you seen those Duggars on TLC? Are you going to be just like them?" Sure, cuz I'm only 40 and I only have 8. Should be no problem to pop out 11 more in the next five or so years before menopause.

One co-worker, evidently not realizing Preacherman was standing right behind him in the room, was talking with another coworker about his next door neighbor who just had their sixth baby. He remarked, "I wish they would just knock his balls off."


Harsh words against someone just having a baby.

When I told my aunt (my mom's sister -- never married), she said, "Oh dear" as if I'd once again been arrested for public drunkenness. Other people have said, "I feel sorry for you." You feel sorry for me? I am overjoyed to have these great children, but I feel sorry for you because you're a rude idiot.

I've heard very rude comments about the Duggars as well. Especially now that Michelle has had a complicated pregnancy and a severely premature baby. Things like, "Well, the statistics finally caught up with them," and "I hope they learn from this to stop trusting God with their family size." Oh, because God never saw this one coming.

I just don't understand it. All our children are loved and cared for. They are smart, funny, educated, independent, individual little people. If we can provide for them and care for them, why should anyone else care how many we have? I've never asked my Aunt for anything for my kids. Why is she disappointed in me for having another baby?

I feel truly blessed and so thankful and happy to be pregnant again. I am enjoying this pregnancy so very much and really looking forward to holding this little guy in my arms. Yes, it's a BOY! Which brings me to the next rude comment, "I bet you're relieved you can stop now." Wait, wut? LOL. You think we had all these children just so we could get a certain sex? I must have been so disappointed with five girls in a row. Maybe I ought to have dropped them off at the fire station in a box when they came out with the wrong plumbing between their legs.

I'm just trying to understand why people feel the need to comment in such a completely rude and inappropriate way. I guess their mothers never taught them, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."

If you're reading this and you've ever said any of these offensive things to someone having ANOTHER baby, next time try, "Congratulations." And leave it at that.


Anonymous said...

I know how you feel...I've heard ALL (literally) of those things, and this is only my third. Most of the family hasn't even said congratulations, the rest of them just don't talk about it (at least not in front of us), and "is this the last one?" has come from everyone that is bothering to mention it. People are stupid...I'll leave it at that.

Mrs. Spit said...

I'm terribly sorry. The Mister and I always planned a large family, until reality intervened.

I'm a bit more ambivalent about Michelle Duggar though.

And for what it's worth, a hearty congratulations. I'm thrilled that another child will be born into a loving, caring family that knows Jesus.

Amy said...

I bet some people have nice things to say, too. Like, "Wow! You have a lot of kids! That's cool!"
And then there are the comments that you can choose to interpret either way, like, "That's a big family!" and "You must be so busy!" and "Not a lot of people have families as big as yours anymore."
Really, who cares what people say? They'll always have an opinion no matter what you decide to do. You guys are differnt, and therefore easy to talk about. You're interesting enough to be the center of a conversation...I think that's a great thing.

One Hot Mama said...

Amy, of course there are a few positive comments, but that's not what this post was about. I wasn't saying that no one had anything nice to say, I was saying that the rude people need to learn some manners.

Even if there are lots of positive comments among my circle of friends, my husband has not been so fortunate. There was ONE person at work that said something nice to him. Everyone else has been negative or rude.

Those comments are very hurtful because they are so personal.

~K~ said...

Oh my goodness-I agree with everything you said! (I came across your blog today--bravo!--I really like it)

Congrats on your baby and I'm sorry for all the silly comments you've gotten. I think large families are wonderful.

KAT said...

Congratulations. Sorry the co-workers are being to rude to your husband.

dmcL said...

It's so sad that so many people are incapable of seeing a baby born to loving, joyful parents, into a wonderful, caring, expectant family as anything other than the massive blessing that it is.

For what it's worth, congratulations to you all. I'm thrilled for you (and the new little guy!)!

MamaOnABudget said...

I know I've said it before, but I'll say it again because it's so important...


(And, personally, since you have "all those girls" and are "finally" having a boy... I hope you have at least one more precious baby =) No, actually, that's not true. I hope you have as many jewels as God chooses to add to your crown!

As for the Duggars - I think they're amazing! No debt, well-loved and well-educated children, children who love to be together as a family and help each other. People say they feel sorry for the older kids/girls because they "have to" "raise" their baby siblings. Yeah - they hate kids so much, which is why the eldest girl wants to be a midwife. Right... While I'm sad that little Josie is having such a rough start at life, what is the family doing? Staying together, moving closer to her, and looking forward to bringing her home! I hope they continue to trust God with their fertility - and I have no reason to believe they'll do anything less.

Lizzie said...

I've heard all of those things and I have four! It's so frustrating. I'm sorry about that comment about your husband, though. What an asshat.

Lowa said...

When we announced that we were having our fourth, my brother said, "You DO know what causes that, don't you??" I hung up on him. Jerk. I think it was because our 3rd child was only 7 months old at that time. Now he dotes on aforementioned 4th child and she adores him. People are SO WEIRD.

I can understand why this hurts you. I don't understand it either. Some people on Facebook were going on and on about the Duggars and I said something about how wonderful I think it is and how they are great parents, a great family and people used to have that many kids quite often. Eight or nine kids was considered a small family. What difference does it make? The kids are loved and cared for, clean and healthy, not neglected, etc etc.

I am just THRILLED for you...and admit to being a tad jealous. But HAPPY for you. My husband said we had to stop at just four:( *sniff* Of course I thank God every day that I have the four blessings that I do:)

Cathy said...

As the ninth of nine children, let me just say CONGRATULATIONS!!!

P.S. People are positively ignorant in this situation. I am pregnant with a boy (I have a daughter) and I've heard "Oh, one of each! Now you're done."

Excuse me?

Christie B. said...

In your previous post, you said that your family income is low enough to qualify or WIC. Does that mean that you will be supporting this pregnancy and this child on public assistance? Perhaps in this day and age when so many of us are putting off having children for many years until we can responsibly and consistently take care of them, some people are expressing their frustration that those who continue to bring more children into a taxpayer-assisted family are moving those who choose financial responsibility further from that goal. When you have the public pay for your choices, they may feel that they have some right to comment on them as well.

That said, I certainly wish you a healthy pregnancy with good outcomes for both you and your son.

Joy Comes in the Morning said...

We hear those comments too and we only have three! Once I even had a family member tell me that I need to "get those tubes tied or they were gonna do it for me." Did I mention we were in the Dollar store and every one could hear?

Jenn said...

we're on our third, our first boy and I am amazed at the rude comments I get. I'm second and only girl with 7 brothers and love being part of a bigger family. I think the Duggars seem to do a fantastic job raising up those kids with love and respect and am irritated at all the rude remarks toward them. I'm happy to have stumbled upon your blog today, I'm an aspiring midwife an DH is a theology student. I'll be back to read more for sure :)

eulogos said...

I heard all of these comments also.

When I had my second someone in the grocery store said "Now you have your boy and your girl and you can stop." I am still proud of myself for answering, "Oh,no, I think I will have a baby every 18 months or so for the next ten years."
The commenter turned white, turned around and walked away.
I almost did, too.

One of the worse comments, when I was pregnant with my fourth, was from a grocery store cashier, "Why don't you get yourself fixed so this doesn't keep happening to you."
"But, but, but..."I spluttered, "I WANT all my children."

My husband was very hurt when he called his parents to make a proud announcement about our fifth. "Congratulations on your litter," said his father. We didn't even tell them about the next two, so the next time we heard from them there were two kids they hadn't even heard about. Which was what they deserved.

My oldest is 36 and my youngest is 20, so these attitudes aren't new.
I just kept having babies and loving them, and I am glad to know some people are still doing that. Welcome to all your babies and congratulations on each one of them!
Susan Peterson

eulogos said...

I have nine and have heard all these things.
Congratulations on your wonderful family!
Susan Peterson