Today I was talking with a midwife friend of mine who has been a mentor and confidant throughout my apprenticeship. She is a ways ahead of me, got her CPM about 2 or 3 years ago. Since she was recently through the apprenticeship process, and has the ability to keep her lips zipped, I've been able to confide in her about all the trials of apprenticeship and my thoughts and struggles along the way. She is a very good midwife and a very good friend.
I told her this morning that I am nervous about my "last birth" with Faerylady. That I am worried something epic will happen at the birth that I will have to handle in order to prove to her that I am ready to be on my own. We talked for a while about various complications. Then she said that comment, that little, throwaway comment.
"You need to stop worrying about proving something to Faerylady, and prove it to yourself."
And just like that I knew she was right. Just like that it changed the entire way I've been thinking about my whole calling and career for the last year and a half. Just like that it changed the way I've been thinking about ME. Even the incident with my office was part of that. I don't have to prove it to her (well, technically I do, but that's not what I mean) I have to prove it to ME. I have to have the confidence to step out into the huge arena of responsibility that is midwifery. And you know what? I think I do have that. I need to stop worrying quite so much about proving myself to others and prove myself to me. The others will follow.