Monday, October 20, 2008

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

My Drama, let me show you it.

There are so many people who read. There are so many apprentices and nurses that like to hear what I have to say, so many moms that have said they enjoy reading the blog.

Today I spent the day with my assistant, working through some issues -- issues that could have been the end of our relationship -- and planning changes. I thought for a while yesterday that she and I were through. That I could no longer trust her. The drama was fresh for me -- new for me -- even though it was old for her. I am so glad she was strong enough to confess to me, that she told me the truth even though it was hard for her, and that we can both be big enough women to move forward from this point.

The negative comments here, the ensuing dialogue with the real "Jennifer" (yeah, I figured it out), a talk with Faerylady, a call to the former client to figure out why she was going elsewhere, have all left me with a sweaty ear from my phone, emotional fatigue, and renewed dedication: to midwifery, to my ladies, to my practice, and to be a better person.

This is what the purpose of the refiners fire is, right? To burn the impurities out of the gold. To BURN the impurities out.

I am still trying to figure out who I am as a midwife, and ultimately as a person. Am I a professional? Or am I a mom who is also a midwife? Why can't I be both?

Today was a cleansing day. Today brought resolutions and closure and renewal.

Today I planned to make a room in my house into a real office for me. Just for me and my practice (will post before and after pics! I'm SO EXCITED)

This will solve so many of the problems that I've heard people complain about. It will give me a professional organized space for all my stuff -- but it will be in my home, with awesome lilac walls, cherry floors, a red chaise, and a rolltop desk. All my equipment in one place. Doors that close and lock. A place to do exams if needed. A quiet, personal, intimate place for women to have their prenatals and feel peace and relaxation as I love and care for them and their families and babies.

Homey, yet professional.

The next step is to make a survey for moms to fill out after their births, to make a bigger effort to listen to their concerns and to be sure I understand their expectations. To try and be open to what they are telling me, even if it's not what I want to hear and to work on the way I phrase things. I honestly and truly don't ever mean to sound like an arrogant know it all. I am grateful to those women who have been strong enough to point out to me when I have done this and they have felt belittled, singled out, put down, or berated. One mom confronted me about this, told me she felt this way. I was SHOCKED. I never in a million years would have wanted to come across that way. And yet I had. I did what she said. And I need "to not to". This gives me the opportunity to learn and grow and to know what I can do better next time. I am going to try and s l o w down and l i s t e n to the moms instead of trying to rush in with all my great knowledge (I don't really have to download everything I know -- whether they need it or not!)

The excitement is making me feel like keeping this blog up and taking a chance. What say ye all?

Are my ovaries brass enough?


Michelle said...

Please continue writing. I enjoy reading about your practice and it's very inspiring as a student-midwife. It's a very real look into someone's practice and life that is difficult to glimpse, even if (or maybe especially if) you work with someone on a daily basis. I greatly appreciate what you offer, and I hope that you continue to do so!

Corin said...

YOU GO! I love your blog, and would be sad to see it go.

Everyone needs some refining sometimes. I'm so glad you're feeling optomistic about your midwifery path now.

Keep it up!

Mrs. Spit said...

I have read the last few days with sorrow. Perhaps because I had such a wonderful experience with a midwife, and she was so kind and so good at providing me with the information I needed to make decisions.

I"m sorry you feel shut down.

Kim said...

I'd love for you to jeep the blog up ... I love reading it!

Lizzie said...

I hope you keep this blog up. I don't comment but I enjoy reading. :)

Morag said...

That's what I'm talkin' about!!
It feels like that (awkward, painful) because you're GROWING!
You know you gotta stick around. :)
Well done.
Xx L

Jennifer said...

Like I said elsewhere: I would have said nothing if I didn't care. Even if I wasn't sure how open I wanted to be.

PS: can I keep reading?

thecatsmeow said...

To answer your last question: the loyal readers of your blog can only hope they are! I've been reading for a couple of years now and would be terribly disappointed if you went private and I couldn't read anymore!
The blogosphere needs some balance, after all...

curdiemer said...

ack! I can't believe I almost got shut out!

You've got to give more than three days notice if you ever do decide to go private. Some of us have new babies and let blog reading slip sometimes. ;)

Aurora said...

I am another reader who never comments. I appreciate your honesty and strength.