Thursday, March 01, 2007

Fear and Doubt

"For as children tremble and fear everything in the blind darkness, so we in the light sometimes fear what is no more to be feared than the things children in the dark hold in terror and imagine will come true."
-Titus Lucretius Carus [99-55 B.C.], De Rerum Natura, bk. III, l. 87

It's hard for me to have fears and doubts. It's hard for me to not just admit to others that I am having them, but to let them see the vulnerability that peeks out behind them. To say, "I am worried about this" or "I am worried about that" is not hard. It's when the firm mask of confidence slips and the tears slip out along with the last of my composure that it becomes really hard.

I am used to being the strong one, the one to lean on for others. I show them only my confidence in their abilities, in their bodies, in their babies. When they come to me with their masks off and cry on my sofa, I am the one that listens and holds and soothes and reassures. Those I have to offer me that reassurance are the very ones that I once held that role for. And it feels awkward.

On Monday night, the baby turned breech again, and then promptly transverse. There she remained until suppertime Tuesday night. I had been trying to get her to turn LOA and she did, several times a week, but it seems once her head was out of the pelvis, she felt free to go wherever the heck she wanted. I had quite a freak out on Tuesday morning.

Then I called FaeryLady. I knew she'd been having trouble with her daughter and new grandbaby, the baby was having some medical issues and her daughter is very very needy. I didn't want to further burden her, but I needed her to be my midwife and give me the reassurance that I would give. She did. She then told me that she was so stressed and burned out from spending two weeks at her daughters house and in and out of the hospital with the grandbaby that she and her husband are going away this weekend. To the beach. She said, "I need to not be a midwife right now." The oddest thing is, I am okay with this. FaeryLady and I were having some conflicts anyway and I was ambivalent about her coming to my birth, planning on making sure to wait to call until I was positive I was in labor. She's 2.5 hours away, there would be a chance she wouldn't make it anyway.

I don't mind as a person the midwife she would put on call for my birth, but I dont' want her to be my midwife. I called one of the other midwives in the state and she was going to be gone this weekend also. So I called another midwife friend of mine, who lives over 3 hours away and she agreed to come if I have the baby.

So Wednesday I spent fretting that the baby would turn breech again and trying to find a midwife.

Today at my backup doc, my blood pressure was up. 122/92. I was trying so hard to not worry about my blood pressure. When Blondie was born, it would go up whenever I was upright and I had to do her entire 36 hour back labor on my left side, which I can't even begin to tell you how bad that sucked.


I really would like the baby to come this weekend. I want to quit worrying about her position. I want to not have to worry anymore about my blood pressure. I'm sick of waiting for my baby.

She's sky-high still, I'm not dilated at all, and I haven't been losing any mucus. I know all that in reality means nothing, but to me it says she's not coming any time soon. I'm still very comfortable. I have not had even one contraction where I thought, "Wow, I remember these! That one was doing SOMETHING".

I enlist PreacherMan's help every night for prostaglandins and make sure to use Evening Primrose oil as well, just for good measure. I'm drinking my RRL infusion daily and I feel some good strong contractions, they are just all above the belly button.

Violet and Tinkerbell were both born 12 days "early" so this weekend isn't out of the realm of possibility. My babies who made it to 40 weeks were "overcooked". Peeling, meconium, dry skin, and usually eczema as they get older. The "early" babies looked just right.

So, I can blog. I can cry to PreacherMan, but it's so hard to let others see this vulnerability. I feel I haven't had the nurturing from a midwife that I like during a pregnancy. My backup doc never even palpates the baby.

It's supposed to storm tonight. Maybe the storm will bring the baby. But probably not.

I am supposed to be a birth warrior. I'm supposed to be so strong and confident. I'm supposed to say breezily and with belief, "The baby will come when she's ready to come and I'm okay with that." But I'm not doing so well in that role right now.


heather said...

I have a feeling that baby might be making an appearance this weekend. You just sound "done." You may not be showing any signs of impending labor, but we both know that doesn't mean anything. I'm holding out hope that you are going to be cuddling that sweet baby come Monday! ((hugs))

Sage Femme said...

the fact that your sweet babe keeps turning shows that in all likelihood she could turn with early labor or before then.

how do you feel about breech birth?

your BP sounds fine. it's not dangerously high - not where I'd recommend laboring lying down. what a great thing it is that your baby and your placenta are asking your body to pump up the volume for them!

Sage Femme said...

and major hugs, too. i'm sorry you're not getting the midwifing you so deserve. xoxo

evilynmo said...

You are the perfect picture of late pregnancy, you are doing a great job and baby will be here in no time =)

ryan said...

Lots of love to you from over here...
I agree with Sage Femme, you deserved more from your midwife. :(
you're in my thoughts, mama.
XX Louisa

Dollymama said...

No, you're supposed to be who you are. That's all, and that's enough. Don't put extra pressure on yourself.

Hang in there! And I will be praying for you!

Emily said...

How hard it is to admit our fears and be vulnerable! Esp. when you are always the one in control, helping others. You deserve this time to honor your feelings and emotions, open up and ask for support. I hope that this new week has brought new feelings and new hope--and soon a new baby! You're an amazing woman, and it shows your strength that you can be honest about your fears. Like when you're a kid and have a nightmare, and your mom says, "If you tell me about it, it'll make it better and not so scary". It's hard to let it out and talk about it, but it always helps! You know you're not alone anymore! (((hugs!)))