Ignorance is Bliss

Each pregnancy that I have had a specific fear that recurs, that particular thing has happened during the birth. Self-fulfilling prophecy? Or intuition? With my first two I was so freaking clueless, I didn't even know what to worry about. My third, I just thought it would go fast. She was 30 minutes of active labor.

My fourth, I felt confident and calm. I just knew that everything would go well. That was my first homebirth. The midwife ran in the door 8 minutes before she was born. It was butter.

My fifth, I was worried about the cord from early on -- like 18 weeks. I kept telling my midwife, "watch for the cord, there's going to be something weird with the cord". And she had a short cord with a true knot. She wouldn't descend during birth, my water broke early. I had a cesarean.

With Blondie, I started worrying at 24 weeks about posterior. I NEVER sat in a recliner, leaned back, etc. Optimal fetal positioning all the time. I saw a chiropractor twice a week and a massage therapist twice a week at the end. I tried to massage her over. I tried swimming with my belly down. I tried asking her to move. I spent about an hour each day in knee-chest, etc. She would turn, occasionally, but then she'd go right back. My labor was long and painful -- and posterior.

With this one, I've had two concerns: growth and position. I'm not worried about posterior this time, just about something funky. Her head has been down more often than not, but I always, always, always feel hiccups in my right hip. Her head has been in my right ischium much of the time also (oblique lie).

Also, although I measured large for most of my early pregnancy, the growth has slowed. I LOOK way smaller than any of my other babies. People are starting to comment on how small I look for how far I am.

When I had my ultrasound, her hands were up by her face. I told FaeryLady at the time, watch out for a nuchal hand. It was just something that came to me as a certainty. I made PreacherMan check me yesterday to see what was in the pelvis. It was definitely a little head.

I have been visualizing and affirming to myself and praying.... "My baby is in the perfect position for birth. Head down, chin tucked, facing my back, arms crossed across her chest, cord out of the way."

And yet, I don't believe it.

Last night I took Atticus to a movie. My uterus felt really hard through the entire thing, like the baby was pushing out the front. By the time I went to bed, she was clearly breech. Her little head poking out just below my zyphoid process, clear as day and unmistakable. This morning everything feels weird. Little parts zipping around above my pubic bone and down in my pelvis, head squishing my liver.

I had a good long cry and panic this morning. I'm too scared to actually have a vaginal breech birth with FaeryLady. She's a good midwife, but she really doesn't have the breech experience to make me feel confident choosing to do that on purpose. The only people I would trust would be the Farm midwives. I guess if this baby decides that this is the way to be, I'll be heading to TN for my birth. There's no way I want to have another cesarean just for a breech baby.

So, each step of the way this pregnancy, I have had a worry, it went away, and a new one came to take its place.

Sure, I'm completely aware that babies can turn at this point in pregnancy. But PreacherMan keeps commenting on how small I am and this AM when he was palpating the baby he kept commenting on how much room there was in there and how small she is.

Faerylady said "this is not a small baby" and yet, I don't believe that either. I look too little, the baby feels like too much space in there.

So, if you're the praying kind, pray for me. Pray for the baby to move. Pray for her (him???) to be a nice size. Pray for me to have peace. If you don't pray, then light a candle, send some thoughts, wishes or vibes my way please.

I know too much about what to worry about. Sometimes ignorance IS bliss.