Nightmares and Dreamscapes

I laid down yesterday to take a nap and had a dream that I went to the bathroom and found blood in my underwear.

Last December, on my birthday, I had a miscarriage. That baby was also a surprise pregnancy (same situation actually -- "No, it's too early in my cycle to get pregnant." heh) It was the first pregnancy that my husband was really excited about, which made it feel even more special. Then I went to the bathroom in a restaurant during my birthday lunch, and there was blood. I was six weeks to the day then. (I was six weeks yesterday.)

I had a horrid struggle with my gyn doctor who insisted that I had to come in for a trans-vaginal ultrasound and not just a hormone level test like I was asking for. She didn't want anyone to have to be woken at 3 AM "just because" I was hemorraging from an ectopic. Nice, huh? Isn't it the OB's job to be woken at 3 AM? As a midwife I tell all my moms that they can call me day or night for anything urgent. Of course.

So, my contractions started at noon and at 3 PM in the doc's office, I passed something into the toilet. I fished out what I could, but could only retrieve a clot. As soon as everything was out, the contractions stopped. I then had my stupid ultrasound, feeling manipulated and angry. I had my best girlfriend with me. My husband was out of the country. Of course, nothing showed on the ultrasound. I had just passed it into the toilet. The doctor tried to say I had to come back to make sure it was complete. I knew the minute the contractions stopped that it was complete. I never went back.

One week after this miscarriage, my husband and I went to St. Lucia for a week for our anniversary. We had been planning that trip for a year. It was a bittersweet time of healing for me. As soon as we hit American soil again, I started sobbing for the baby that would never be. My husband was saying it was still not a good time for another baby and that he did not want to try again for a long time. This devastated me. I felt no hope for another happy pregnancy.

For several weeks, I would just burst into tears at random times. Attending prenatals and feeling other women's babies moving in their wombs was emotional for me. I had argument after argument with my husband about having another baby and trying again. Finally in January we decided that we could maybe try in May when he finished his class he was taking. It seemed so far away. How could I be patient that long?

It seemed each month we missed the mark, and we had finally decided to hold off until August because a friend of ours is taking our whole family to an amusement park on our family trip. Surprise! No roller coasters for me.

So, then I have this dream. A dream where I go to the bathroom and find blood in my underwear. When I wipe, there is more blood. That cold rock appears in my stomach and my heart hangs silent for a moment. Then I wake up. I takes a moment to realize that it was a dream, that I saw no blood before my nap, and that I haven't been to the bathroom since. All day, I go to the bathroom frequently, checking for blood, but a small part of me has peace and says "All is well."

Those pregnancy dreams certainly expose our deeply held fears, hopes, and desires. They are so real it is hard to realize they are only dreams.